There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
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