Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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