my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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