I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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