Don't make out with my wife yet
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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