I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
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