i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
