Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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