I've blown a few things in my day
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
