I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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