apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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