2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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