I think my vagina is haunted
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
