If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
