I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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