its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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