either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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