I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
