I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
