the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
