She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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