For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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