one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
