I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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