God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You are the jesus of drinking
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
