Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
