The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
