So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
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HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
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I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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