Swine flu. Run for my life!
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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