eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
