im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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