is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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