you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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