Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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