final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
