ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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