Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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