she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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