hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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