u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
