I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
