Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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