I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
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You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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