yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
