He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
