The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
