So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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