I'm going to rape someone's good day.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
