I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
