Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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