He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I will pee on everything he values.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
