did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We're too hungover to prance.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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