just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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