if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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