i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
