Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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